Tuesday, June 28, 2022
Washington, DC
The Supreme Court overturned Roe vs. Wade on Friday June 24, which ended a nearly 5 decades long precedent that guaranteed a woman’s constitutional right to abortion. In a follow-on opinion written by Justice Sonia Sotomayor today, she suggests that not only does life begin at conception, but much earlier. In fact, according to the opinion document, life begins at the moment of male ejaculation.
According to Justice Sotomayor: “The bible commands that a man ‘shall not spill his seed on the ground’ and that this act is considered a mortal sin” Justice Sotomayor goes on to say that “the Constitution of the United States does not explicitly provide for the legal right of a man to self-pleasure himself without the likelihood of a conception, therefore it is the court’s opinion that the male act of masturbation is considered unconstitutional since it prevents the potential of a human life and is tantamount to murder.”
“Furthermore,” Justice Sotomayor said, “it is up to the individual states in the union to enact laws to punish these offenders”. When asked, Justice Sotomayor was not clear on how law enforcement officials would detect and track down these offenders. “Maybe we just peek through their windows to see if they’re surfing porn on the internet?”
Anticipating the news of this upcoming ruling by the Supreme Court, Feras Antoon and David Tassillo, the owners of Pornhub, have announced their resignation leaving the world’s largest internet porn website without leadership. “This b**ch [Justice Sotomayor] is a real ballbuster!” said Mr. Tassillo. “If the SCOTUS opinion paper ever becomes law, it’s going to put a real kink in the online porn industry” Mr. Tassillo was quoted as saying.
When asked about the legal right-to-life status of female gametes, Justice Sotomayor said “As soon as science figures out how to shove those little suckers back in there and prevent them from being murdered by their mother every month, we will have an opinion about that too.”
